I’m doing it again.
I’m hitting snooze 4x before getting out of bed. I’m ignoring the running shoes sitting beside my dresser. I’m getting up so late I don’t have time for breakfast. And I’m procrastinating my evenings away in front of my laptop and the television.
I’m tired. Scratch that, I’m exhausted. I’m still getting used to my new time zone. I wasn’t hungry. I can’t miss this show. I need to relax. And it’ll all happen eventually.
Please slap me if I say any of those things to you. I’m just making excuses.
Do you remember this post? I do. I wrote it almost 2 months ago and I’m sad to tell you it was full of lies. I wasn’t back and better than ever. I was stuck. I wanted to be better… but I wasn’t better. And I’m still not.
To be honest, I don’t think I’ve been the same since I finished school in July. After a year of barely sleeping, in-between working full-time, going to school basically full-time, interning at LearnVest and writing here, I crashed. Hard.
Then I picked up an old habit I had missed dearly during my crazy schedule: socializing. More specifically, partying. If you remember, I barely drank at all during my first year of writing this blog. In fact, I made excuses to stay in, just so I could save money.
That all changed, in July. Wine nights went from a monthly event to an almost every other day event. With them came food (mostly take-out) and cab rides home. And soon, the extra money I used to put on my credit card debt was being flushed down the toilet.
It didn’t take long for one old pattern to turn into other old patterns. I stopped working out as often. I stopped budgeting. Fortunately, I didn’t rack up any credit card debt, but I did spend too much money – money that could’ve done a whole lot more than fund a few nights I can barely remember.
I have a feeling this topic could turn into a series of posts but, for now, I will just say this: it’s shocking to look back and see how one excuse can turn into one hundred. In my gut, I knew I was making excuse after excuse… but I needed a friend to tell me I was, before I could admit it. (Thank you, friend.)
All I know right now is: I am a better person, when I don’t drink. I may not be as confident or as fun at parties, but I am a better person in every other moment of the day. And there is no more proof of that than looking back at everything I accomplished in my final year of school.
There is a reason I was able to accomplish so much in one year: I was driven. Not only was I determined to finish my degree, I was motivated by the fact that my spare time was spent writing meaningful content. Getting out of debt was my personal goal but showing people how I did it was my passion.
I want to find my passion again.
It’s time for me to take some of my own advice: If you aren’t willing to admit what you really want, it probably won’t ever happen. But even more so than saying it aloud, you have to take whatever action is needed to accomplish your goal. “Nobody said life would be easy, they just said it would be worth it.”
Goals for the next 5 days: get ahead at work, join the GoodLife Fitness down the street, and start writing content for the second site I’ve been daydreaming about for months. Screw waiting until I’ve caught up on sleep, made a plan, or feel ready. No one is ever ready and there is never a right time.
I just need to start where I am, use what I have, and do what I can. And if that includes getting used to the idea that I may be better off without alcohol in my life, so be it.