Well, this is a post I can guarantee you never saw coming…
For the last week or so, I’ve had this pit in the bottom of my stomach. At first, I thought it was just stress. I had been go go go with fundraising, trying to finish school and working out 4+ days per week, that I hadn’t taken any time to sit and really reflect on what it is that I was feeling.
When I was at the gym, I wasn’t focused on my workouts. I was focused on the time and how little I had. When I was doing homework, I didn’t care about the quality. I wanted to produce the content and submit it. I wasn’t eating very well. I was only getting 3-4 hours of sleep per night. And I was ignoring what was really going on. But earlier this week, I finally figured it out: I didn’t want to go to the Bold Academy anymore.
There are a number of reasons that made me reach this decision, not all of which I’m comfortable sharing yet, but no one could have been more shocked about it than I was. And then came the fear. The fear of saying that I didn’t think it was the right move at this time. The fear of telling you that, after two months of talking about this, I no longer wanted to do it. And the fear of what everyone else would say in response.
I tried to talk myself out of it. I went back and re-read every single post that I’ve mentioned the Bold Academy in. I read emails and tweets and text messages from you all. I repeatedly asked myself how I could come so far and now not want to go. But nothing could change my mind. So, I trusted my gut instinct and my intuition and I gave up my spot. And the relief that came with it has been unimaginable…
I’m now crazily working through refunding everyone’s donations, as well as still trying to finish school by the end of the month. But then I’m going to take the first week of July off to relax and reflect. I’ve been in school for the last 24 months, and haven’t had a summer off since 2009. That’s not even close to being one of the reasons I gave up my spot in the Bold Academy, but I am realizing that I could probably use a bit of a break.
The final point I want to add here is that I do not discredit any of the efforts you all made to help me reach my goal of going. I was there. I was in. And it would never have happened, without you. I feel as though I am full of good, new and positive energy, that I not only want to share with others but also use to pay it forward. I feel like a new version of myself. A better version who knows the good this world is capable of.
I’ll leave it there for now, as I have a lot of missed sleep to catch up on, and then more homework to do. But I’d like to add that I hope you won’t see me as any less of a person or friend, as a result of this decision. Because trusting your intuition is one of the scariest things you can do… and I don’t regret anything about trusting mine.